I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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