mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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