She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
