Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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