the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's never too late to be topless.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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