Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When are your genitals available?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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