....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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