mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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