sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
