you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
