Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
FUCK WHALES
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
