And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
