i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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