I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
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Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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