I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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