I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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