I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
