i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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