i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
