i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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