Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
