Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
