I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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