i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
