you have to choose: penises or morals?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
