Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
