Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
