Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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