Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Someone shattered a urinal.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
