I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
