It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
