You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
