he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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