My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
