My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
