Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
