I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
