I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
