You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
