I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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