Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
