So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
