you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize