I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
