I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
