Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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