She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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