I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I still have a little drunk in my system
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
