Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
