so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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