she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
