theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
