My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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