I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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