I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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