You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
