I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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