Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
