I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
