She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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