Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
