This is not my ceiling
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
