My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
