I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
